Why Am I Always So Hard On Myself?
So, I've failed miserably.
The second week in to my new habit plan, and I've ended up sick and not wanting to do anything. (Isn't it funny how when you get sick you start to realise how you've taken swallowing and breathing for granted? Never again. From this day forth I promise to value swallowing and breathing.)
I get extremely frustrated with myself when I get sick (which is quite often – I'm one of those lucky people who catch whatever is going around). I start beating myself up about all the things I'm not getting done, all the things I'm missing, how I'm letting everyone down. Most of all, how I'm wasting days that I'll never get back. (I have a thing about wasting days. I remember traveling to the USA when I was 16 years old and we lost a day. I said to my mum, "but what if that was going to be the best day of my life!")
What I've realised over the last two days – I've had a lot of thinking time in bed – is that it all comes back to the pressure I put on myself. I'm probably sick because I'm overdoing it. And I'm overdoing it because I put so much pressure on myself to do so much. And I'm beating myself up for being sick, which is more pressure, which probably just makes me more sick and worn out.
Are you seeing the cycle?
Why am I so hard on myself? I can't really be sure. I think it's a mix of personality, the pressure put on women to be perfect and 'have it all', and the idea that I have to be the best.
What I do know is that my boyfriend would be sick without worrying about it. If he's sick, he's sick. Why should he feel bad about it? It's not his fault. He'd lay on the couch or play Playstation then go back to work when he's better. So why am I beating myself up for being sick? Feeling as though I've let myself and everyone else down?
Maybe this is a reminder to be kinder to myself. Maybe it's a new clean slate. In a way, I've been given some down to get better, relax and look after myself. Instead I'm stressing about all the things I'm not doing, the work I'm not getting done and how I've already ruined my carefully laid habits plan.
Most likely if I stop worrying about being sick, appreciate that my body's doing the best it can and take this time to catch up with Kardashian's, I'll get better faster and can resume life – a life where I solemnly value swallowing and breathing.