I’m no psychologist – maybe one day – but it appears to me there is a very real and common behaviour that lurks within us that we often don’t/can’t/won’t identify: self sabotage.
Oh, the art of self sabotage. I say art because people think of new, fun and innovative ways to try and ruin things for themselves.
I think it happens in small steps, little decisions and choices we make. Often, we don’t realise we’re doing it – but we are.
Google defines it:
“Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success. When people take these destructive steps, their harmful behavior can negatively impact nearly every part of their lives including their relationships and career.”
To me, it’s when…
You get a project you desperately wanted – then you delay and delay doing it and rush it at the end so you know you didn’t do your best job.
Lose weight and feel great about yourself – but then aggressively binge eat till you feel sick.
Start a great saving plan – then spend money on stuff you know you don’t need and beat yourself up for it.
Promise yourself you’ll get an important task done the next day, but go and have a big night and render yourself useless.
Give up halfway and tell yourself it’s too hard – even though you’ve already been doing it thus far.
Do something you know will hurt or upset your partner – even though you love them and want them to be happy.
Starting fights when you know you’re in the wrong and should just apologise – almost to prove your point that they don’t care/love you.
You make a choice – or a few – that hinders something you truly want. You’ll justify it to yourself, tell yourself it’s not that big a deal or ‘it’s just one day/night/packet’ but it’s hurting your overall goal, the thing you truly desire.
It’s self sabotage.
It’s likely unconscious but it’s stopping you from being your best self, going after what you want, living the life you want. (Do I should like Oprah??)
Essentially – by people much more educated, knowledgeable, informed etc on the topic – the most common ways people self sabotage:
Procrastination
Perfectionism
Self medication
Comfort eating
Self harm
Where it comes from – who knows? I’m sure it’s derived from feelings of fear, inadequacy, and inferiority. Actually, the more I type this, the more convinced I am that it’s that little jerk voice in your brain that tells you you’re not good enough – aka fear. (And not the cute fear from Inside Out – the ugly fear.)
It’s harmful. And maybe the biggest harm of all is that we often don’t recognise we’re doing it.
There’s a great saying:
“Make sure your worst enemy is not living between you two ears.” – Laird Hamilton
And that’s what self sabotage is – an enemy between your two ears, trying to ever so subtly destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for. Think Emperor Zurg in Toy Story.
I’m guilty of it. It hurts me to admit, but I am.
The good news? It’s stoppable – but there’s only one real way to stop it: identify when you’re doing it.
You have to learn to recognise it, pinpoint when you’re making a self-sabotagey decision and make a better choice.
Of course, it’s easier said than done – but you can do it. You and your wonderful little self CAN handle it. You ARE deserving of all that is good, all your hopes and dreams and rainbows and unicorns.
Don’t be your own worst enemy.
Don’t believe everything you think.
And don’t become such a great self sabotage artist that you let it control you – save that creativity for creating something worthwhile.
Here are some helpful links if you want to read some stuff by people who are actually educated in the area: